This “letter,” which has been floating around the ‘net for while, still cracks me up.
Dear Meeting Planner:
I am a convention services manager. I have unlimited resources at my
disposal. I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk and it is a policy here to automatically make reservations and tee times for your Board of Directors when you sign a contract.
I can make any of my meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs. I will naturally remove any supporting pillars from your meeting space and will install windows in every room as needed.
The “ocean view” is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program and for this I sincerely apologize. We will, however, move the hotel two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your general session today. I can only throw myself at your mercy and grovel at your feet.
I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other groups booked into the hotel during the program.
The additional breakout rooms that you added this morning should be
built no later than Wednesday. Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your session for 800 persons into a hollow square for 150 with rear projection, simultaneous Japanese translation, and satellite hook-up during your fifteen-minute coffee break.
Unfortunately, due to space constraints and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your session and suck the gravity out of the ballroom.
We have located the boxes that you sent last month under your mother’s maiden name at the hotel down the street, and again our apologies for not having found them sooner.
In answer to all your questions, it is, or course, understood that I am
aware of all or your speaker’s requirements and will set up an overhead, LCD projector, dual slide projectors, two slide projectors, two screens, a laser printer, podium and mic, two table mics, six aisle mics, a head table and red and blue M and M’s in each room at no charge, just in case you need them. We will automatically adjust the temperature in the room every fifteen minutes.
It goes without saying that an AV tech, engineer, baby sitter, and
myself will be underneath your head table during the duration of your
event just in case you need anything else. It has been great working
with you and I can’t wait to see you again really!